A lovely night of karaoke and laughs. I get home and you say my friends boyfriend leaned in for a kiss from me and I backed away. I don’t even recall him leaning in, but you said you should’ve knocked his ass out. Ridiculous.
Last night you were drinking and you spent nearly an hour explaining to me that now that I’m 21 our relationship is ruined. You were so upset over things I haven’t even done yet. Drinking and driving, flirting with boys at bars, spending all my time with my friends, neglecting my family, not saving up enough money for Christmas. It was ridiculous.
I had a terrible dream in which people would sell their soul to the devil to improve their crops back when everyone were farmers. And as satan dragged their lifeless corpses through the fields and eventually underground the children would fight over who gets to inherit the farm. Very sad.
My best friend and her boyfriend broke up yesterday and she was sick and tired and crying when she came over today. I had been texting her yesterday about whether or not it was a good idea to try and be roommates with her now ex. I was opposed to the idea. But today she told me about how he fucked her, finished really quickly, promised to make it up to her later and left. He never made it up to her. They fought and now they’re broken up. He moved his stuff out today but has no place to stay. I think he’s sleeping in his storage unit tonight. We had band practice at my house tonight and I didn’t like it. She wasn’t really in the mood to play music anyways. Then my dear friend came over and we drank beers and laughed and made ourselves a drunk pizza. A glorious end to a mediocre week.
I was just having a daydream about finding a lesbian that loves me for who I am, that I love with all my heart. She could be beautiful and smart and funny and quirky. And I could bring her home to my parents and they would love her and approve wholeheartedly of my lifestyle. She could be so great with my daughter. And the further I got into my fantasy the more I began to realize that this was all I wanted to be happy in this world. I wonder if I found a man with all the same qualities if I would be equally happy. Or if you possessed these same qualities somehow, if I would ever be happy. Could you ever accept me as a bisexual? I doubt it. Could my parents ever approve of you and forgive the hurt you’ve put me through over the years? I don’t know. But as long as you continue to avoid them it’s unlikely. Will I ever get over the fear of you breaking down and becoming the man you were in January? I don’t think so. That will likely be the end of us. I’m unwilling to give my whole heart to you because I’m afraid of getting my heart broken again. If I could open up and love you wholeheartedly some day, could I ever be happy? I think it’s possible but unlikely.
Yet another disappointing Mother’s Day. You went out last night with your brother and his girlfriend, and they were sleeping on the couch. You were hung over so I had to get up with our daughter and make breakfast. So no breakfast in bed again. A couple hours later I woke you up. I was hoping to go to the grocery store because our fridge is empty. But you wasted a lot of time making a fancy breakfast for yourself and our company. We watched a movie and then you mentioned that you had to drive them home. But it’s a lot of gas money to do that before we go grocery shopping. Which is stupid because it’s the same amount of gas either way. So when we had a moment alone I asked if you remember the Mother’s Day from last year or the year before. You said no. After a pause you remembered that you were really drunk for my first Mother’s Day and you peed all over our bed. I slept on the floor. I reminded you that the next year wasn’t much better. You went out with your friends that night and you were hung over again. And lo and behold you’re hung over this year too. And I couldn’t shake the feeling that you neglected to plan anything yet again. So in a fit of frustration (after realizing I have to go to work on mother’s day, my birthday, and our anniversary) I called you out on not planning anything for me. In front of our company. It was really uncomfortable when I came back in from my smoke. You said, “fuck your Mother’s Day and fuck you for thinking I didn’t plan anything. I was trying to make up for the last couple years (which is bullshit because you didn’t even remember until I reminded you) and I planned a trip to the butterfly pavilion but we can’t even go because you have to go to work. I was waiting until I got my check today to see if I have any money to take you out. I have no money for today. I have no money for your birthday. I have no money for our anniversary. All because you made me buy this stupid car.” And so we had a huge fight right in front of your brother and his girlfriend. And now you left me with our daughter and took them grocery shopping. Before you all left I put up an angry, disappointed front. But as soon as your brother closed the door I broke down crying. I feel like I’ve been such a fool. The bar was set really low, I had so few expectations and yet again you fail to meet them.