Looked through some old diary entries. You told me once that people never change unless they have to. I guess I haven’t had to change. I’m the same bitch I’ve been for over a year with the same fucking problems. I just fade in and out of denial. That’s the whole reason I need this blog. So I can uncover the disconcerting truths that I otherwise unwittingly forget. That reminds me, I’m drunk and I miss you but I’ll be just fine without you.
You’re gone for a few days. I hope I can avoid the seemingly impending withdrawals. Thank goodness I have: the comforts of Ron Burgundy, the residual high from my stoner best friend visiting, my adorable sleeping hubby, fresh baked goods, plenty of beer, a break from school, a break from debt. I actually have a lot going for me right now and it’s nice not to listen to you bitch. Or maybe the real reason I’m so happy… Is that I’m thrilled my best friend doesn’t want to marry you. Those deep, horrifying ulterior motives. She’s destroying what I was dying to destroy. I want to be a good, moral person. But the devil keeps pulling at my heart strings. Ah, fuck.
Last night I made a last minute change of plans to watch a movie at my best friend’s house instead of at home. My boyfriend was really upset that I was ditching him for her, and brought up all the times I’ve ever ditched him. He said that it’s really disrespectful, and that I’ll never change. He disregarded all the times he’s ever ditched me or made last minute changes to his plans. Then the situation got exacerbated when he attacked my character, saying I’ve never changed for him. Just for myself and other people. But he’s changed for me. And he began to discuss everything I’ve ever done that was wrong. Back before he was in jail, during, and after. He said that the only reason our friends have a high opinion of me is that he doesn’t go around running his mouth like I do about him. I hate how true that is. He said if I’m unhappy I should just go. If I’m not living here to be around him I should move out and leave my key. After a whole lot of fuss he let me go to my friend’s house. But it was tense there too. She talked about how she’s sure she doesn’t want to marry you right now. I don’t know how to tell you without breaking your heart. She’s already told you but you won’t take no for an answer. I explained to her that she was behaving towards you the way her ex does to her and how awful that is. But she needs time to be single and be herself again. The last time she was single was the happiest I’ve seen her in a long time and that’s what she needs now.
Bizarre psychological experiment tonight. I was masturbating in the shower and just as I was about to finish up, I saw a spider on the ceiling. Arachnophobe that I am, I made the insane decision to finish through the fear. The terror I felt pushed me over the edge and I had the best orgasm I’ve had in a while. But I came out feeling so… Disgusted with myself. Jesus, I have weird issues.
My best friend called off the engagement. She feels rushed and confused and scared. She still has feelings for somebody else. God, I know all too well how that feels. But I tried to keep my feelings out of it and convince her to reconsider. For your sake, mostly. She’s everything to you; I’m painfully aware of that. But also for her sake, so she can get over her abusive ex. I also briefly discussed with you my failed engagement. You had no idea.
Anyways I kept trying to be supportive and kind and receptive. I can’t help but wonder if, underneath this friendly exterior… I’m trying to convince her to go through with it when I suspect it might be too soon. What if, on some sick subconscious level, I’m hoping for their marriage to fail? What if I’m a bad person, deep down?
I witnessed my first major car accident today. Both cars were seriously damaged and both hoods popped up. The glass broke on one of the headlights. No airbags went off. A twenty something girl was turning right onto the road where I was in the left turn lane. She lost control on the ice, missed me by an inch and hit the guy next to me head on. The look on her face was priceless. I had to back up to get around it. That close! It might be fucked up but I was all smiles the whole way home. The adrenaline was still pumping when I walked in the door. I’ve always wanted to see one before it happened to me, and it was magical.